When Setting Boundaries Feels Selfish: How to Say No Without the Guilt

If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” when you meant to say “no” and then feeling frustrated, exhausted, or quietly resentful afterward, you’re not alone.

For a lot of people, especially those who’ve spent years being the reliable one, the thoughtful one, the one who always shows up, setting boundaries can feel… selfish.

Not just uncomfortable. Wrong.
Like you’re doing something bad.

But here’s the thing: saying no actually isn’t selfish.
It’s a skill. For many of us, it’s a brand-new one, and a pretty uncomfortable one to learn.

Why does saying no feel so hard?

For starters, you might have grown up in a family (or culture, or religion) where saying “no” wasn’t really an option.

Maybe you were taught that love meant self-sacrifice. Maybe being “good” meant being agreeable. Perhaps your worth was measured by how helpful and flexible you were, and how easily you could put yourself last.

If you learned that early in life, chances are good that the messaging got hard wired into your sense of self. So now, even when you know you’re at capacity or that you don’t want to do the thing, that old wiring kicks in and the voice in your head whispers:

“I don’t want to be selfish.”

“What if they think I don’t care?”

“I should just suck it up.”

“What if they reject me?”

Oh and by the way, that guilt that you’re feeling? It’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re doing something new.

Guilt doesn’t mean you’re selfish. It means you’re growing

Most of us were trained to prioritize other people’s needs before our own. So the first few times you start setting boundaries, even gentle, thoughtful ones, it might feel like you’re breaking the rules.

Because… you kind of are.
Just not your rules.
The ones you never asked for but got stuck with for years. The ones you inherited.

And like any new habit, it takes time. Think of it like physical therapy for your self-worth; awkward at first, but strengthening something vital underneath.

What boundaries actually sound like

Boundaries don’t have to be harsh or dramatic. In fact, the most powerful ones are usually the simplest:

• “I wish I could help, but I can’t right now.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I need some time to think about that.”

• “I’m not up for talking about that topic today.”

• I won’t be able to make it to that event.”

Boundaries work best when they are clear and direct. They can still include empathy for the other person and whatever want or need they have, without sacrificing or compromising yourself because of their want or need. In other words, honoring your own limits and attending to your own needs without waiting for permission from anyone.

What happens when you start setting boundaries?

The short version? You stop feeling like you’re constantly managing other people’s emotions at the expense of your own.

Yes, it will most likely feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. Some people may be surprised, especially if they’ve benefited from the overextended version of you. Some will be annoyed and will push back on your new boundaries, trying to get you to cave like you’ve done in the past.

It is crucial that you recognize this as an adjustment period, not just for you but for the people around you. Be consistent with your new boundaries, even when you get pushback.

Think of the pushback as proof that people are noticing your new boundaries. Once you, and they, adjust, you will probably begin to feel:

• Less resentment.

• More time to rest or do things that actually nourish you.

• A sense of trust in yourself that you haven’t felt in a while.

And that’s what we’re really working toward when we strengthen boundaries. Helping you reconnect with your voice, your needs, and your right to take up space.

Ready to stop feeling guilty for taking care of yourself?

If you're tired of being everything to everyone, and being last on your own to-do list, let's talk. I love working with people who have spent years over-functioning and people-pleasing and are ready to learn how to set boundaries without guilt and discover their authentic selves.

You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t need a permission slip to say no.
You’re allowed to take care of you.

If you’re ready to get started,

Learn more about working with me

or reach out here to schedule a free consult.

ADHD in Marriage: What It’s Like to Love a Neurotypical Partner

This post is for, and a little bit about, my husband, who has ADHD. We were discussing an ADHD post when he asked me,

 “How come there are a million articles about the challenges of being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, but barely any about how hard it is to have ADHD and live with a neurotypical partner?”

That hit me right in the heart. And he’s right. So many narratives about ADHD in marriage are unintentionally lopsided, painting the neurotypical partner as the long-suffering victim and the ADHD partner as a frustrating tornado of chaos and forgetfulness.

So here’s my attempt to rebalance the story.

Why ADHD Relationship Advice Often Favors the Neurotypical Partner

There’s an endless supply of articles written about the challenges of being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, most of them written from the perspective of the neurotypical partner.  The common themes? Feeling like you have to manage everything. Feeling alone. Feeling unseen, unheard, or unprioritized.

They talk about what it’s like to be the default parent, the project manager, the keeper of the calendar. The only one who knows when the car registration is due. They describe the loneliness, the resentment, the burnout.

These are real experiences. I know, because I’m the neurotypical one in our relationship. Or as my husband says, I’m the muggle. And I’ve had every single one of those feelings.

But this post isn’t about that.

Neurotypicals Do Weird Stuff Too

Let’s start with this: neurotypical people do plenty of things that make zero sense to our ADHD partners.

Like… assuming there’s a morally correct way to load the dishwasher. Or insisting the towels be folded into thirds instead of halves because “that’s just how it’s done.” Or needing to talk about a problem right now, even if the other person’s brain is fried and they are in a not now kind of place.

And yet, neurotypical behavior is rarely pathologized. It’s the default setting. The “normal” that everything else gets compared to.

But what if we took a moment to question our version of “normal”?

Because from the ADHD partner’s perspective, some of our habits are just as confusing and annoying as theirs can feel to us.

For example:

• The tyranny of multitasking. 

  We expect our partners to “just do it” - just switch tasks, just prioritize better, just keep everything in their head. But most neurotypicals forget that when there’s so many competing thoughts in the ADHD brain, all of those expectations are unrealistic. Sometimes, to them, it feels like we’re trying to shape them into someone they’re not - more productive, more efficient, more… neurotypical.

• Not making space for hyperfocus. 

  If my husband spends hours researching something niche and fascinating, my instinct used to be: “Okay, but did you make that phone call you said you were going to make?” I’ve learned that curiosity is not frivolous. It’s how his brain gets a nice dopamine boost that helps him focus on everything else.

• The umming and aahing and talking so very slowly. 

  I have yet to meet a person with ADHD who enjoys listening to a slow talker taking forever to get to the point.

• Holding on to stuff.

  Sometimes the thing a person with ADHD meant to say just comes out a little differently than intended. Other ADHDers tend to be better at recognizing it and letting go of it quickly, just shrugging off the miscommunication and moving on. Neurotypicals though? We like to hold on to it, analyze it some more, have a long discussion about how the miscommunication happened. ADHD folks just want you to get over it.

I say this with humility, because I’ve been guilty of every single one of these. I’ve imposed my preferences like they’re universal truths. I’ve confused neurotypical with normal. I’ve viewed him through my neurotypical lens and frequently pathologized a brain that’s wired differently to mine, without even noticing.

The Emotional Toll

of Being the ADHD Partner in a Neurotypical Marriage

When you live in a neurotypical world, let alone love a neurotypical partner, it’s easy to internalize the idea that you’re always either “too much” or “not enough.”

Too scattered. Not organized enough. Too impulsive. Not grounded enough.

Even the language we use, such as “symptoms,” “deficits,” “disorder”, tells a story. Most of the ADHD partners I work with, and certainly the one I married, are trying really hard. Not just to meet expectations, but to avoid conflict, dodge the shame spiral and not have to hear that they disappointed somebody they love yet again.

And when the neurotypical partner sighs, or snaps, or rolls their eyes, it’s not just frustrating. It’s devastating. Not because the ADHD partner doesn’t care, but because they care so much and feel like they’re still getting it wrong despite all that effort. Let’s not forget that people with ADHD feel their feelings with extra intensity, so when it hurts, it really hurts.

What Helps Us Move Forward

Here’s what’s helping us find our way. Not to a perfect system, but to a more compassionate one:

• Curiosity instead of judgment. 

  When something seems “irrational” to me, I try to pause and ask, “What makes sense about this from his perspective?”

• Mutual accommodation. 

  It’s not just about me adjusting to his ADHD. It’s about both of us flexing for each other.

• Naming neurotypical privilege. 

  Yes, it’s a thing. My world is generally set up to support my brain wiring. His isn’t. That doesn’t make me right - it makes me lucky.

• Laughing together. 

  Humor is one of our greatest tools. When he leaves the house and comes back in three times in a row for another forgotten item, we make eye contact, and we just have a little chuckle together. It reminds us: we’re in this together.

We See You

If you're an adult with ADHD, you’re navigating ADHD in a relationship and you’ve ever felt like you’re always on the defensive, always falling short, always the “difficult one,” I want you to hear this:

You're not broken. You’re not a burden. And you're not the only one who has to change.

We neurotypical folks need to do our part, too. Not just by understanding ADHD, but by challenging the hidden assumptions we bring into our relationships.

We have to learn that love isn't about fixing someone. It's about learning how to see them clearly and fully, for who they actually are.

My husband was the inspiration for this post, and I’m so glad he voiced what he observed about the neurotypical lens through which we write about the effects of ADHD on relationships. I hope I have done justice to his experience and that of anyone with ADHD trying to cope with their “muggle” partner.

If you and your partner are navigating ADHD together and want support making sense of your dynamic, couples therapy can help.

Loneliness Is Bad for your Health

We’re living in the age of connection; WhatsApp group chats, YouTube channels, Zoom calls, Instagram reels, TikTok videos. And yet, so many people are lonelier than ever. In fact, loneliness has become such a common and serious problem that in 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General declared it a public health epidemic. Yes, epidemic. Right up there with obesity and smoking.

The Surprising Health Risks of Loneliness

Loneliness isn’t just about feeling sad or bored when your Saturday night plans fall through. Chronic loneliness can wreak havoc on your physical and emotional health. Here are a few stats that might surprise you:

• Loneliness is associated with a 29% increased risk of heart disease and a 32% increased risk of stroke (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).

• People who report high levels of loneliness are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and cognitive decline.

• Loneliness can increase the risk of premature death by up to 60%, the equivalent risk of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

In other words, loneliness is far more than just undesirable or unpleasant, it’s downright dangerous. And yet, many people don't talk about it, either because they think it’s shameful or because they’re so used to emotional disconnection that they don’t even realize they’re lonely.

What Loneliness Really Looks Like

Loneliness doesn’t always look like social isolation. It can show up in a crowded house, a long-term relationship, or a group chat that no longer feels supportive. What we’re really talking about here is emotional disconnection. Feeling unseen or misunderstood. Feeling like nobody really wants to know what goes on inside your head.  

That kind of disconnection doesn’t just make life feel harder; it is harder. Emotionally disconnected people are less resilient to stress, more prone to illness, and more likely to struggle in their relationships.

Humans are Wired for Connection

All of us are biologically wired for connection, whether we recognize it or not. Our brains light up when we feel seen, emotionally safe, and understood. When that connection is missing, our nervous systems get stuck in patterns of hypervigilance or shutdown, and we may start to believe that there is something unlovable about ourselves. This creates insecure attachment styles and further difficulty forming bonds with others.

How EFT Can Help

As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I help individuals and couples understand the cycle of emotional disconnection that keeps them stuck. EFT isn’t about teaching you communication hacks or how to "fix" yourself. It’s about identifying the deeper emotional needs, also known as attachment needs, that drive your reactions. With Emotionally Focused Therapy you can learn how to get beneath the surface reaction and access the unmet needs and unacknowledged emotions underneath. EFT gives you a roadmap for how to get those needs met, and how to meet those needs for the people you care about.

Why do I do this work? Because I am also a human in the world, wired for connection just like you are. I know what it’s like to feel alone in a room full of people. And I also know how healing it is to feel truly connected to myself and to someone else.

You don’t have to stay stuck in loneliness. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. And you definitely don’t have to fix this by yourself. If you are looking for more warmth, more attunement, and a deeper connection to yourself and others, therapy with an EFT therapist can be a wonderful place to start.

Why You Keep Having the Same Argument

Same Fight, Different Day

Have you ever noticed that no matter what you and your partner argue about, the fight always ends up feeling the same? One minute, you’re talking about who left the dishes in the sink, and the next, you’re caught in a cycle of blame, defensiveness, or shutting down. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and worst of all, it leaves you feeling disconnected from the person you love most.

It’s Not about the Dishwasher

Here’s the truth: your arguments aren’t really about dishes, money, or in-laws. The topic may change, but the real issue lies beneath the surface.

Every argument between partners follows a predictable pattern. You pick up on cues from each other - maybe a certain tone of voice, a sigh, or a facial expression. Your brain interprets these signals based on past experiences, and before you know it, your nervous system is on high alert. You react, your partner reacts, and suddenly, you’re in the same old conflict loop again.

That’s because fights aren’t just about the topic at hand - they’re about the emotions and unmet needs underneath. When those needs go unrecognized, conflict becomes a cycle that repeats itself over and over. You probably aren’t even consciously aware of it, but you are trying to get that emotional need met in ways that simply don’t work.

How to Break the Cycle and Repair Your Connection

The key to stopping these repetitive fights isn’t to figure out who’s “right” or to problem solves about the topic you’re currently trying to discuss. It’s to understand what’s really happening between you in the moment. Instead of focusing on the content of an argument (like who forgot to take out the trash), you need to focus on the process. That means identifying what’s happening emotionally and physically for each of you when conflict arises, and understanding the unmet need behind it.

This is exactly what I teach in Conflict Cooler, my short course for couples that you can use at home.

Using my simple, step-by-step SCREAM method, you’ll learn how to:

✅ Recognize the emotional patterns that drive your fights
✅ Slow down and calm your nervous system in the heat of the moment
✅ Move from defensiveness and blame to understanding and mutual empathy
✅ Repair conflict and restore your connection - fast.

Shift the Trajectory of Your Argument

Conflict Cooler isn’t about sweeping problems under the rug or avoiding tough conversations. It’s about giving you and your partner the tools to de-escalate conflict quickly so you can truly hear each other, understand each other’s emotions, and get back to feeling close again. The repetitive arguments about dishes, kids and money will most likely reduce by themselves once the secure attachment to each other is restored because remember, the fights weren’t even about those topics in the first place!

Ready to Learn How to Break the Cycle and Restore your Connection?

You don’t have to stay stuck in the same arguments. You can break the cycle - and once you have learned how, it only takes five minutes or less to implement in the moment.

Click here to learn more about Conflict Cooler and take the first step toward more peaceful, connected conversations with your partner.  

How to Choose a Therapist

Therapists are as varied as the general population. When choosing a therapist, it's important to select the right one for you and to consider switching to somebody new if they turn out not to be a good fit. Here are some ideas to consider:

The right therapist may feel wrong at first.

Starting therapy, especially for the first time, can come with a ton of anxiety and discomfort. This can get in the way of determining right away if your new therapist is right for you. So unless there is a huge red flag from the outset, it is wise to spend two or three sessions settling in and getting used to the process before making a decision.

The right therapist should be practicing within their scope of competence.

Many therapists have spent time on extra training in a particular technique or in treating a particular population or presenting issue. The right therapist will assess whether they have the appropriate type of training and experience to help you reach your therapy goals and will refer you to somebody else if needed.

The right therapist should make it about you.

If you are leaving every therapy session having learned all about your therapist's life, they are not the right therapist for you. Many therapists will occasionally disclose a detail about their life here and there, but if you know their entire life story by the third session and they haven't learned much about you, that's a huge red flag!

The right therapist doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

Therapists are supposed to help you reach your therapy goals, not be your friend. If your therapist nods along and appears to be in agreement with everything you say, they may not be helping you grow. The right therapist will gently challenge you when needed.

The right therapist should listen.

All therapists have to interrupt you at times - that's just a part of the job. This can be for many reasons, such as time constraints, pausing to process something important or shifting the focus away from story-telling. However, if it feels like you can never get a complete sentence out, or your therapist never seems to be tracking what you share about your experiences, that's a problem.

The right therapist should model good boundaries.

Good therapists will respect your schedule and will start your session on time, at least most of the time. They won't answer calls during your session unless it is an emergency. They won't eat lunch during your session. They won't call you at 10pm. And they will expect the same respect from you in return. A therapist with loose boundaries is probably not the right therapist.

The right therapist can manage their own emotions.

Therapy can be very emotionally charged at times, but a good therapist regulates their own emotional responses in therapy sessions. Whilst a therapist may occasionally be visibly affected by your emotions and may even shed a tear alongside you, it should never feel like you are having to take care of them.

The right therapist should handle feedback appropriately.

Many of the issues we have talked about so far can potentially be corrected with a conversation, so tell your therapist about it first. A good therapist can take in your feedback and address it without becoming defensive and without invalidating you. If they are unable to hear your feedback and take corrective action, it might be time to consider finding a different therapist.

Attachment Styles and Relationships

What are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are various ways of interacting with other people, which are heavily influenced by a person’s bond with a parent or other caregiver in childhood. Attachment theory comes from the research of psychiatrist and psychologist John Bowlby, who identified that isolation from caregivers in childhood is a traumatizing experience. Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, expanded on this idea, and her work with adults and couples is based on the discovery that the need for secure connection to others continues throughout life.

 Types of Attachment Styles

There are four different attachment styles. The first one is known as secure attachment and the remaining three are all variations of insecure attachment – anxious, avoidant and disorganized.

Secure Attachment

When a child’s needs are met by consistently reliable and available caregivers, they typically develop a secure attachment style. They learn when they're an infant that if they are hungry they will be fed, when their diaper is soiled it will be changed and that when they cry somebody will comfort them.

If this experience continues throughout childhood and there's somebody who is responsive to them, they typically become a securely attached adult who feels safe in the world, knowing that there are trustworthy people around them and that it is possible to get their needs met. This gives them a secure base with which to launch themselves into the world with confidence.  

People with a secure attachment style tend to be more resilient in relationships and better at regulating their own emotions. If they do not get an immediate response to their needs, they can usually tolerate it without becoming distressed because they trust that their needs will be met at some point.  

Insecure Attachment

When a child’s needs are not met due to an unavailable, inconsistent, abusive or neglectful parent, they typically develop one of the following types of insecure attachment styles or strategies, due to the uncertainty about whether their needs will be met. This doesn’t necessarily have to be an intentional refusal to meet a child’s needs on the part of the caregiver. There are many circumstances that can lead to a child’s need for a responsive caregiver not being consistently met by the parent, such as addiction, physical or mental illness, incarceration, or even a parent having long working hours or having to travel for work frequently.

Anxious Attachment Style

A person with an anxious attachment style seeks ongoing proof that they are loved, and that the other person is there for them. They tend to be clingy, jealous, controlling, fearful of betrayal, rejection or abandonment and highly emotionally expressive in relationships.

Avoidant Attachment Style

When a person has an avoidant attachment style, they tend to have difficulty being vulnerable in relationships. They push their emotions away and distract themselves with work or keeping busy, or they numb their feelings with substances. They do not trust others easily and will often be guarded in relationships or avoid being in a relationship in the first place. They are often highly independent, taking pride in not needing to depend on others and finding it particularly difficult to ask for help.

Disorganized Attachment Style

A person with a disorganized attachment style flips regularly between anxious and avoidant states, so essentially they are a blend of the other two types of insecure attachment style. Disorganized attachment style is associated with trauma or abuse in childhood. Often a child will have experienced a parent or caregiver as being intermittently available, or responding to their needs in an unpredictable or inconsistent way. They long for closeness and connection and will often get close to another person relatively quickly in a new relationship.

Unfortunately they also fear closeness, because they are unable to deal with the vulnerability of trusting another person. Having bonded with somebody, they often pull away or shut down, sometimes even sabotaging the relationship.

Attachment Styles and Compatibility

The attachment style of each partner in a romantic relationship can have a big influence on how the couple interacts, and will also play a role in predicting how compatible they will be.

The ideal pairing is two securely attached individuals. They will most likely navigate differences well and be able to regulate their emotions easily because they are emotionally available and emotionally responsive to each other.

Another common pairing is one anxious partner and one avoidant partner. This couple will definitely have some problems and challenges, but they will be able to meet each other’s needs at least some of the time. They often find themselves in the classic pursuer/withdrawer dynamic, with the anxious partner protesting their unmet needs through anger and complaints and the avoidant partner shutting down in response.

A pairing of two avoidant partners is unlikely to succeed and may not even get off the ground in the first place. They may find a way to bond that is based on something other than emotional availability, such as a shared hobby, but there is likely to be little meaningful emotional connection between the two.

Two anxious partners will also struggle, as each will be stuck in their own worries, unable to be emotionally present to reassure the other. This couple will be likely to trigger each other’s attachment fears, such as fear of rejection and abandonment, regularly.

A person with a disorganized attachment style probably faces the biggest challenge in romantic relationships. The partner they will be most drawn to at first is likely to be a person with an anxious attachment style, but that is not actually the best pairing for them. The initial attraction to an anxious person will become an issue once the bond has been well established. After that, the avoidant side of the disorganized attachment style will start to emerge and they will want more space. This will heighten anxiety in the anxious partner, who will begin to protest the disconnection with increased pursuing behavior. A person with a disorganized attachment style is better suited to a securely attached partner, but is likely to push too hard for connection at the beginning of a relationship, frantically trying to connect as quickly as possible and end up frustrated by a securely attached partner’s lack of urgency.  

Most people with an insecure attachment style can do well with a more securely attached mate, because over time they are likely to find reassurance in the stability and emotional availability of the secure partner.

 Can Attachment Styles Change?

Attachment styles are formed early in life and whilst they tend to be quite consistent over time, luckily, they can be influenced by a romantic partner. We can have corrective emotional experiences in relationships that increase our felt sense of secure attachment.

Additionally, people tend to deviate from their main attachment style with certain other individuals or in certain contexts. For instance, a person who is generally avoidant may have one person in their life that has never let them down and with whom they have always felt safe and secure. They may be able to open up emotionally with that one person in a way that they are unable to do with anyone else. Even securely attached people can go through a period of insecurity if their emotional needs go unanswered for too long, but they will typically return to their main attachment style once the temporary disruption is over.

The best thing a couple can do is to identify what each partner's attachment style is and where it comes from, by closely examining who was there for them when they were a child and who was unavailable or let them down. Once they have figured out their main attachment styles, they can think about how their attachment styles influence the way they interact in their relationship. If they have difficulty accessing and sharing their emotions and unmet needs with each other, a couples’ therapist who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy can help them increase their secure attachment to each other.

Saying Sorry the Right Way

Conflicts and disagreements happen. Things are said or done in the heat of the moment that may have seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, but that perhaps in the cold light of day we wish we could take back.

Given that none of us has a time machine with which to undo our unfortunate behavior, the next best choice is a heartfelt apology. But sometimes that can feel like a daunting prospect.

Let’s start by taking a look at why apologies are so hard.

To apologize is to humble oneself by acknowledging our personal deficiencies or errors. The ego protests it and then our defenses rise to justify our actions and look for ways to avoid it.

When we feel our defenses rise, we often try to repair our relationship with the hurt party without taking full ownership of our behavior. We attempt to place some of the responsibility on the other person, by pointing the finger at their own misdeeds, or their lack of understanding about our intentions. Or sometimes we downplay the impact of our behavior on them with minimizing language such as “maybe”, or “a bit”. This tends to dilute the apology and can even cause further harm to the relationship. An apology is not an apology if it begins with any of these:

“I’m sorry that you…”

“I’m sorry, but…”

“I’m sorry if…”

“I’m sorry that I reacted to you doing [insert blaming comment here] …”

A key component of a genuine apology is to focus on the impact of your actions on the other person. Showing them that you understand how your words and actions affected them and that you have empathy for the hurt that they felt lets them know that they are seen and heard by you, which is important for repairing a connection with somebody after a rupture.

Apologies may lose meaning if the person apologizing keeps repeating the same hurtful patterns over and over. So it is important to reassure the person that you intend to work on yourself and avoid hurting them in the same way again.

True apologies sound like this:

“I’m sorry that I…”

“I can see how my words/actions have hurt you and I truly regret it.”

“Next time I will be more thoughtful about what I say/do.”

It is normal to have discomfort about apologizing. It can be a very vulnerable experience, especially when we don’t know how our apology will be received, or when we feel that we have been wronged too.

It may be helpful to remember that saying sorry is not the same as taking responsibility for the entire interaction. Each person only has to own their part, but it is each person’s decision whether or not to do so.

Never apologize when you’re still angry or upset with the other person! It is very unlikely that you will come across as genuine. It is ok to wait until you have reflected on your own words and actions and can really mean it. If your focus is still mostly on your own hurt feelings, that will probably show up when you attempt to apologize.

A genuine apology should not be contingent upon receiving an apology in return. If that’s what you are seeking, then you are not ready to apologize. Think about this first before approaching the other person. Will you get upset all over again if they don’t apologize too? Will you take back your apology the second they don’t respond as you expect? Then you’re not quite there yet.

Sometimes when you approach somebody to apologize to them, they might start going over the issue again, highlighting the parts that hurt them or pointing out things you said and did that perhaps you didn’t specifically mention when you apologized. Don’t worry, that’s normal! It can feel like the person is rejecting your apology and it can be very frustrating. You may feel like giving up or start defending yourself and pointing out their misdeeds. Try to be patient in this moment. The other person is just checking to make sure that you get it, so a few words of reassurance from you should help.

Lastly, you’re allowed to be human. Not all apologies go well, even with the best insight and intentions from both sides. If it gets derailed, just take some space and try again later.

How to Get Closure

Most of us have had difficult experiences in our lives that left us with a lot of unanswered questions. It might have been a breakup, an estrangement, perhaps a criminal act or another traumatic event. If you have been wronged, sometimes what you want most of all is a heartfelt apology.

You may find yourself longing to contact a specific person who you think can answer your questions, provide an apology, and give you the closure you long for. Not having closure can feel like torture. 

So is closure really as simple as getting answers to questions? In many cases, no. Closure is not just about getting information or an apology. In fact, explanations and apologies can often end up feeling strangely dissatisfying or lead you down a rabbit hole of obsession and rumination. Apologies can cause further harm if they are not handled right, and answered questions can sometimes just lead to more and more questions. 

Rather, closure is an emotional shift that lets us know we can draw a line under an experience and finally move on. Those who have felt closure usually describe it as a freeing experience, like a burden has been lifted and replaced with a feeling of relief. The unburdening can bring about healing and growth.  

The problem with viewing closure as a set of answers or an apology is that it relies entirely upon the actions of another. If the other person is unavailable, unapologetic, or otherwise uncooperative, your sense of closure is held to ransom. You give away your power to achieve closure when you view it as something that is in the hands of the other person, like a gift that they can either choose to give or to withhold.

Here's the good news. Closure is a gift that you can give to yourself. It is not dependent upon what somebody else does, because that feeling of closure is the culmination of a deeply personal journey of gradually letting go of the need for input from the other person and arriving at a place of acceptance. That comes from within. 

Achieving closure does not require condoning the actions of a wrongdoer, forgetting the past or tolerating being mistreated. However, it might mean expanding your definition of what it means to forgive. Many people think of forgiveness, like closure, as being dependent on another person. But you can choose to forgive the actions of another even when they have not expressed remorse or issued an apology. 

The benefit of forgiveness is that you choose not to carry the hurt around with you anymore, waiting for the other person to take action so that you can be free and feel better. It doesn’t mean that what happened was okay, but simply that you accept that it can’t be undone. Forgiveness is for you, not them. It means you decide to free yourself regardless of what they choose to do. 

Carrying hurt and resentment around does nothing to help you. If somebody put a heavy backpack full of rocks on your shoulders and asked you to carry it around forever for no reason whatsoever, would you agree to it? Or would you refuse to carry it, take it off and set it down? That’s what forgiveness is for. It frees you, not the other person.

Research findings suggest that expressive writing, especially when combined with therapy can help a person heal themselves without the intervention of the other party, by making meaning of what happened. 

A therapist can facilitate the closure process by working through unresolved emotions, thoughts, and conflicts associated with the event or relationship and finding ways to integrate the experience into your personal narrative in a way that allows for healing and growth.

So why wait another moment? Take off the backpack and be free.

From Conflict to Connection

Stuck in Conflict

When you are trying to express yourself to your partner, do you often end up feeling worse than when you started?

During a conversation or conflict with our partner, we often tend to focus on our surface emotions, thoughts and perceptions, but far less so on our deeper, core emotions and our unmet emotional needs.

Our communication comes out as critical, angry, or frustrated and our partner becomes angry and frustrated too, or just throws their hands up and walks away, leaving us all alone with our unmet needs. Nobody feels heard or understood and nobody wins.

Often, we are not even aware that there is another layer of emotion happening beneath the surface of communications like these, especially if we grew up in a family where emotional expression was not encouraged or modeled by our caregivers.

Many of us get stuck in a chronic attack/defend or mutual blame pattern with our loved one when we try to express our emotional needs and over time this can erode our secure connection to each other and create emotional distance.

Once a person is able to shift their awareness to their deeper emotions and unmet needs, it can be a game changer for connection and healing.

When I work with clients, I like to explain it as an “experience elevator”.

The magic happens when you take the elevator from the top floor (surface emotions) all the way down to access what’s in the basement (deeper emotions).

How can you tell which emotions are surface and which are deeper?

There are some clear differences between the two.

Surface Emotions

On the top floor, it feels safe. You can see everything from there, or at least you think you can. This is where the surface emotions exist. The most common ones are  anger and frustration. People feel safe when they express these surface emotions. They tend to come easily and quickly to us, often as a reaction to an external trigger. The feelings are observable to others and can change or escalate quickly. These emotions are typically more socially acceptable or easier to express than the deeper feelings that lie beneath.

They are often used as a way to defend ourselves from perceived or actual criticism  and we can use them to deflect blame and avoid vulnerability.

Unfortunately these surface emotions don’t help us get our needs met. In fact, they tend to push other people away.

Deeper Emotions

Deeper emotions, or primary emotions, are the core feelings that are often hidden beneath the surface. These emotions are more fundamental and relate to our basic needs and desires, such as the need for connection, safety, and acceptance. Primary emotions include feelings like sadness, fear, hurt, and loneliness.

Core emotions are much harder to express because they involve being much more vulnerable.

It is so much easier to approach our partner with anger or frustration, saying something like,

“You never listen!”

than to say,

“It really hurts when you tune me out. I feel the hurt like a pit in my stomach and I get so afraid that maybe I am not important to you”.

Our primary emotions tend not to be reactive or defensive in nature. Often they are more persistent and are related to our view of ourselves, which was most likely formed during childhood. For example, a child who was neglected will probably grow up feeling unsure about how valued and lovable they are. As an adult, they will be sensitive to this and may unconsciously look for evidence that they are not good enough or that they don’t matter to their partner.

Unmet Needs

Usually when a primary or deeper emotion is being experienced, it points to a core unmet need. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we refer to these as attachment needs. These needs, when met, are the things that let us know we are safe, secure and loved in our relationship. Here are some of the most common attachment needs that people identify during  EFT couples therapy sessions:

·      To feel seen, heard and understood

·      To know they matter

·      To know they are good enough

·      To work as a team/partnership

·      To be respected

·      To have efforts acknowledged

Vulnerability Leads to Empathy

So why delve into deeper emotions and unmet attachment needs when they are so much harder and more vulnerable to acknowledge and express?

The big payoff to accessing and sharing primary emotion is empathy. Whilst surface emotions like anger tend to push the other person away, primary emotions typically do the opposite and draw the other person closer.

Your partner is more likely to understand what you are feeling and be motivated to help you feel better. Part of the vulnerability of expressing these emotions is that you don’t actually know for sure that the other person will respond well to you. They might be stuck in their own experience, lacking  the emotional capacity to hold space for your feelings right at that moment.  

Practical Steps for Accessing and Sharing Emotion

Understanding the distinction between surface and deeper emotions can be transformative in everyday life. Here are some practical steps to apply this knowledge:

Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your emotional responses. Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling beneath this anger or frustration? What unmet need drives this feeling?”

Connect with your Body: Tune in to the physical sensations that give clues about your deeper emotion. Is there heaviness in your chest? A knot in your stomach? Does your body suddenly feel colder or warmer? Pay attention to these signs and try to hear what your body is telling you about what emotion you are feeling.

Open Communication: In relationships, strive to communicate your deeper emotions. Instead of saying, “I’m angry,” try expressing, “I feel hurt because I need to feel valued.”

Empathy: When others express strong emotions, consider what deeper feelings might be driving their behavior. Try to respond with empathy and curiosity. Often this can defuse anger and shift the conversation dramatically, paving the way for reconnection.

Therapeutic Support: If navigating these emotional layers feels challenging, seeking support from an EFT therapist can be very helpful.

Recognizing and understanding the difference between surface or secondary emotions and deeper or primary emotions is a key concept in Emotionally Focused Therapy. By taking the elevator of our emotional experiences down to the basement, we can achieve greater self-awareness, improve our relationships, foster deeper emotional connection and create opportunities for mutual healing with our partner.