When Setting Boundaries Feels Selfish: How to Say No Without the Guilt
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish even if it feels that way at first. If you’re tired of saying yes to everyone else and no to yourself, this one’s for you.
If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” when you meant to say “no” and then feeling frustrated, exhausted, or quietly resentful afterward, you’re not alone.
For a lot of people, especially those who’ve spent years being the reliable one, the thoughtful one, the one who always shows up, setting boundaries can feel… selfish.
Not just uncomfortable. Wrong.
Like you’re doing something bad.
But here’s the thing: saying no actually isn’t selfish.
It’s a skill. For many of us, it’s a brand-new one, and a pretty uncomfortable one to learn.
Why does saying no feel so hard?
For starters, you might have grown up in a family (or culture, or religion) where saying “no” wasn’t really an option.
Maybe you were taught that love meant self-sacrifice. Maybe being “good” meant being agreeable. Perhaps your worth was measured by how helpful and flexible you were, and how easily you could put yourself last.
If you learned that early in life, chances are good that the messaging got hard wired into your sense of self. So now, even when you know you’re at capacity or that you don’t want to do the thing, that old wiring kicks in and the voice in your head whispers:
“I don’t want to be selfish.”
“What if they think I don’t care?”
“I should just suck it up.”
“What if they reject me?”
Oh and by the way, that guilt that you’re feeling? It’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re doing something new.
Guilt doesn’t mean you’re selfish. It means you’re growing
Most of us were trained to prioritize other people’s needs before our own. So the first few times you start setting boundaries, even gentle, thoughtful ones, it might feel like you’re breaking the rules.
Because… you kind of are.
Just not your rules.
The ones you never asked for but got stuck with for years. The ones you inherited.
And like any new habit, it takes time. Think of it like physical therapy for your self-worth; awkward at first, but strengthening something vital underneath.
What boundaries actually sound like
Boundaries don’t have to be harsh or dramatic. In fact, the most powerful ones are usually the simplest:
“I wish I could help, but I can’t right now.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I need some time to think about that.”
“I’m not up for talking about that topic today.”
I won’t be able to make it to that event.”
Boundaries work best when they are clear and direct. They can still include empathy for the other person and whatever want or need they have, without sacrificing or compromising yourself because of their want or need. In other words, honoring your own limits and attending to your own needs without waiting for permission from anyone.
What happens when you start setting boundaries?
The short version? You stop feeling like you’re constantly managing other people’s emotions at the expense of your own.
Yes, it will most likely feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. Some people may be surprised, especially if they’ve benefited from the overextended version of you. Some will be annoyed and will push back on your new boundaries, trying to get you to cave like you’ve done in the past.
It is crucial that you recognize this as an adjustment period, not just for you but for the people around you. Be consistent with your new boundaries, even when you get pushback.
Think of the pushback as proof that people are noticing your new boundaries. Once you, and they, adjust, you will probably begin to feel:
Less resentment.
More time to rest or do things that actually nourish you.
A sense of trust in yourself that you haven’t felt in a while.
And that’s what we’re really working toward when we strengthen boundaries. Helping you reconnect with your voice, your needs, and your right to take up space.
Ready to stop feeling guilty for taking care of yourself?
If you're tired of being everything to everyone, and being last on your own to-do list, let's talk. I love working with people who have spent years over-functioning and people-pleasing and are ready to learn how to set boundaries without guilt and discover their authentic selves.
You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t need a permission slip to say no.
You’re allowed to take care of you.
If you’re ready to get started,
Learn more about working with me
or reach out here to schedule a free consult.