ADHD Communication Problems: 8 Ways to Communicate Better

ADHD communication problems can make even fairly ordinary conversations surprisingly difficult. Couples may find that conversations get derailed too easily, that one person remembers a conversation very differently from the other, or that something which should have been a quick discussion somehow turns into an argument.

There are several reasons ADHD can complicate communication. Attention, working memory, processing speed, emotional reactivity and executive functioning can all play a role. Sometimes the problem really is that something was missed or misunderstood. Other times, both people understood each other perfectly well, but ADHD got in the way of remembering or following through afterwards.

Knowing which problem you are dealing with can make a big difference.

Why ADHD Communication Problems Happen

Having a conversation involves more mental juggling than we tend to realize. You have to pay attention to what the other person is saying, hold onto the information long enough to make sense of it, keep track of your own thoughts, regulate your own emotions and then organize a response.

One reason ADHD communication problems can be so confusing is that several different things may be going wrong at once.

ADHD can interfere with several parts of that process, which is one reason adult ADHD can affect relationships in ways that are easy to misread.

Someone may be listening and then get distracted halfway through a sentence. They may hear all the words but lose the beginning of a long explanation before you reach the end. They may also become distracted by a thought of their own and start thinking about what they want to say next instead of continuing to listen.

Background noise can make things even harder. A television, another conversation, traffic noise or even lots of visual activity can compete for attention.

Emotional regulation can be a huge challenge with ADHD. A conversation that might be manageable when both people are relaxed can become much harder once one or both partners are upset. It is harder to listen carefully, organize thoughts and find the right words when you are already feeling defensive, overwhelmed or angry.

ADHD and Communication in Relationships

When ADHD communication problems happen occasionally, they are usually just annoying. When they happen repeatedly, couples can start developing a pattern around them.

If one partner regularly forgets conversations or agreements, the other may start assuming they were not really listening in the first place. Meanwhile, the partner with ADHD may become increasingly defensive if they feel they are constantly being corrected about what they said, what they meant, or what they supposedly agreed to.

Over time, couples can start reacting to the history of these conversations before the current one has even had a chance to go wrong. The non-ADHD partner may over-explain, repeat themselves or keep checking that the message has landed. The ADHD partner may experience that as nagging or criticism and become frustrated, defensive or tune out.

(I’ve written more about this dynamic in ADHD in Marriage with a Neurotypical Partner, including how easily ADHD-related behaviors can be interpreted as lack of care or effort.)

At that point, ADHD is only part of the problem. The communication pattern that has developed between the couple starts creating problems of its own.

Sometimes It Isn’t Actually a Communication Problem

This is an important distinction. Some ADHD communication problems are not really communication problems at all.

Suppose you tell your partner that you need to leave the house at 7:00 because you have a reservation at 7:30. They hear you, understand you and agree.

Then at 6:55 they are still doing something else and have not started getting ready.

It may look like they were not listening, but that may not be what went wrong at all. The actual problem could be time blindness, difficulty stopping one task and starting another, forgetting the plan once attention shifted elsewhere, or underestimating how long it would take to get ready.

The communication itself may have worked perfectly well.

This is why repeating yourself more forcefully does not always help. If your partner understood the information the first time, saying it louder or explaining it again will not necessarily fix the part that broke down later.

It can be helpful to ask whether the problem was understanding, remembering or follow-through before deciding how to solve it.

8 Ways to Have More ADHD-Friendly Conversations

There is no single way of communicating that works for everyone with ADHD, but there are some fairly simple changes that can make conversations easier. The following strategies can help with some of the most common ADHD communication problems.

1. Stick to One Idea at a Time

Partners with ADHD can struggle to follow conversations that jump between several topics, particularly during disagreements.

You might begin by talking about a bill that was forgotten and suddenly find yourselves discussing household chores, something that happened last weekend and an argument from six months ago.

Try to stay with the original issue.

If another important thought comes up, write it down and come back to it later. I often suggest having a pen and paper nearby for this. Paper may work better than reaching for a phone, since the phone itself can easily become another distraction.

2. Use Short, Clear Sentences

Long, complicated sentences can be difficult to follow when working memory is already being stretched.

By the time you reach the end of a long explanation, your partner may have lost the first part of it.

If there is something specific you need them to know, get to the point reasonably quickly.

For example, instead of giving three minutes of background before saying what you need, you might start with, “I need us to leave by 8:30 tomorrow.”

You can always add more information afterwards.

This is particularly useful when the conversation involves plans, times, instructions or anything else that needs to be remembered later.

3. Choose the Right Context

The same conversation may go completely differently depending on when and where you have it.

Internal factors can make a difference. How much sleep did your partner get? Are they hungry? Stressed? Mentally exhausted? Is their medication still working? Are they already feeling defensive or overwhelmed?

External factors matter too. Television, phones, computers, background conversations, traffic and visual distractions can all make it harder to pay attention.

Trying to have an important conversation while your partner is answering emails, making dinner and half-watching television is probably not setting either of you up for success.

If you have ADHD, it can be useful to tell your partner what conditions make it easiest for you to listen. Some people do much better when they can walk while talking. Others need very little background noise. Some need to know ahead of time that an important conversation is coming.

There is quite a bit of individual variation here.

4. Remember That Talking and Listening May Work Differently

There can be some interesting differences between how people with ADHD tell stories and how they prefer to receive information.

People without ADHD often tell stories in a fairly linear way: beginning, middle, end.

People with ADHD are sometimes more likely to take the scenic route. They may add background information, follow side thoughts, make connections and then eventually circle back to the original point.

If you are listening to your ADHD partner telling a story, it can sometimes help to give them a little room to get there in their own way rather than repeatedly pushing them to hurry up and get to the point.

However, when the person with ADHD is the listener, a long, winding explanation can be much harder to follow.

So the styles that work best for talking and listening may actually be quite different.

5. Put Important Information in Writing

Verbal information is easy to lose.

You can tell your partner that the dentist appointment is Thursday at 2:00, they can listen perfectly well, and they may still have no memory of it two days later.

If information matters later, give it somewhere else to live.

That could be a text, calendar entry, shared note, shopping list, whiteboard or app. The best system is whichever one the person will actually look at.

This is particularly useful for plans, appointments, shopping lists and household tasks.

It can also save couples from endless arguments about whether something was ever discussed in the first place.

6. Avoid Multi-Part Questions and Requests

It is very easy to ask several things at once without realizing you are doing it.

“Did you call the doctor, what did they say, and did you remember to ask about the prescription?”

That is actually three questions.

Ask the first one and wait for the answer.

The same applies to requests. Giving someone five things to remember verbally may be much less effective than giving them one or two at a time or putting the list in writing.

Breaking information down is not about talking down to someone with ADHD. It simply reduces the amount of information they need to hold in working memory at once.

7. Give Your Partner Time to Process

Some people need a little longer to work out what they want to say, especially during emotional conversations.

If you ask a question and there is a pause, try not to immediately fill the silence, ask another question or assume that the person is refusing to answer.

They may simply be trying to organize their thoughts.

If you are the partner with ADHD, it can help to say that out loud. Something as simple as, “Give me a second, I’m thinking,” gives your partner useful information about what is happening.

That is usually easier for the other person to tolerate than a long unexplained silence.

8. Double Check Before Reacting

Many people with ADHD describe getting themselves into trouble because they used the wrong word, blurted something out, or said something in a way that did not accurately reflect what they meant.

If your partner says something that sounds unusually harsh, confusing or just slightly off, it can be worth checking what they meant before reacting to the exact wording.

You can simply ask, “Is that what you intended to say?” or “Did I pick up your meaning correctly?”

Also, it can be extremely useful to use the phrase, “Can I have a do-over?’ as a tool when the wrong words come out.

That gives them an opportunity to regroup and try again if necessary.

This does not mean that people with ADHD get a free pass for hurtful communication. It just makes sense to find out what somebody was actually trying to communicate before having a twenty-minute argument about a sentence they did not mean in the first place.

Tone Can Create Its Own Problems

Tone is another area where couples can get stuck very quickly.

One person hears irritation, criticism or hostility. The other insists that they were not irritated at all.

Sometimes tone really was the problem. Sometimes the listener has already become so accustomed to conflict that they are expecting criticism before the conversation even starts. And sometimes people simply interpret vocal tone differently.

You do not always have to resolve exactly what the tone was before moving forward.

It may be more useful to ask what the person intended or what the listener thought they heard.

Quite a few arguments can be avoided if couples catch that mismatch early.

Check What You Actually Agreed To

For important conversations, it is worth making sure you both came away with the same understanding.

This does not need to involve asking your partner to repeat everything back to you like they are sitting an exam.

It can be as simple as:

“So you’re going to call them tomorrow and I’ll send the email tonight?”

That takes a few seconds and can prevent a surprising amount of confusion later.

It is especially useful when the conversation involves several decisions or when one or both of you are already tired, distracted or stressed.

Finding What Works for Your Relationship

Figuring out ADHD-friendly communication usually takes some trial and error.

The aim is not for the non-ADHD partner to learn a special set of rules while the ADHD partner carries on as before. Both people need to understand what tends to go wrong and take some responsibility for making communication easier.

If you have ADHD, that may mean becoming more aware of when you are not able to listen well, using external reminders instead of relying on memory, or asking your partner to slow down when you have lost track of a conversation.

If you are the non-ADHD partner, it may mean getting to the point more quickly, avoiding several requests at once, or checking what your partner meant before assuming the worst.

And sometimes the most useful thing either partner can do is stop trying to solve every communication problem as though it is the same problem.

A missed detail, a forgotten agreement, an impulsive comment and difficulty following through may all look like bad communication from the outside, but they may have completely different causes.

The more accurately you can figure out what is behind your ADHD communication problems, the easier it becomes to find something that actually helps.