The We Do Not Care Club: Permission to Stop People-Pleasing
If you’ve scrolled on social media recently, you may have stumbled across a phrase that is catching on: the We Do Not Care Club. Created by Melani Sanders, it’s a playful yet powerful response to the constant demands women face in midlife and beyond. Members share lists of things they’ve decided not to care about anymore; mismatched outfits, running the AC and a heating pad at once, or skipping the social event they agreed to last week. The idea is simple but oh so freeing. Release yourself from unnecessary pressure and notice how much lighter you feel.
This message resonates so strongly with so many of us, because for women in particular, people-pleasing is our default setting.
Midlife and the Shifts That Follow
Many women notice that midlife brings not just physical changes due to hormonal shifts, but emotional ones too. Priorities shift. There’s less tolerance for putting up with nonsense, less energy for obligations that drain, and more clarity about what really matters.
For people who have spent decades putting themselves last, trying to do it all, feeling guilty for not meeting everyone else’s expectations, and keeping the peace at any cost, midlife can be a surprising turning point. What used to feel automatic such as saying yes, stepping in, or keeping quiet may start to feel exhausting. And when exhaustion hits, the desire to join the WDNC Club suddenly makes perfect sense.
People-Pleasing and its Hidden Costs
People-pleasing is often rooted in fear of disappointing others that may be tied to an even deeper fear of being rejected or emotionally abandoned. On the surface, it can look like generosity or kindness. You may tell yourself this is what it means to be a “good” friend, a team player, a good partner or mom. But underneath, it often comes with resentment, burnout, and the sense that your own needs are on nobody’s radar - not even yours.
One example: I had a friend visiting and we decided to order pizza for us and my children. When she asked me what toppings I wanted, I automatically answered with what my kids liked. She stopped me and said, “That’s not what I asked.” In that moment, I realized I hadn’t just answered without thinking, I also didn’t actually know the answer. I had literally never paused to consider what I would want on my own pizza.
That’s why the #WDNC movement resonates so deeply. It reminds us to stop living on autopilot, to let go of over-caring about everyone else’s preferences, and to rediscover what we truly want for ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong: caring about people is a wonderful thing. The problem is caring too much about what people think of you. When approval becomes the goal, you lose touch with your own voice and values. The WDNC concept reminds us that life gets easier when you stop carrying every expectation on your shoulders.
How the We Do Not Care Club Connects to Boundaries
The humor of WDNC posts, whether it’s not folding laundry or unapologetically skipping a social event, highlights something that therapy teaches in a deeper way. You get to decide what you care about. Boundaries are the practical version of this.
When you say no to an extra work project that leaves you depleted, you are honoring your time. When you let the house stay messy and eat cereal for dinner because you need rest, you are caring for yourself in a way that matters. These small acts of self-respect add up, and they start to reshape your relationships too.
Small Steps Toward Freedom
If you’ve been a lifelong people-pleaser, the idea of shrugging off expectations can feel both exciting and terrifying. Here are a few ways to start:
Notice your automatic yes. When you hear yourself agreeing right away, pause and ask if this is really what you want.
Practice saying no. Start with something small and safe. Over time, the bigger ‘no’s feel less scary.
Sit with the guilt. Guilt is not proof you did something wrong. Often, it’s just evidence that you are breaking an old pattern and doing something new.
Choose what matters. Make a conscious list of what you do care about. It helps anchor your decisions when the urge to default to people-pleasing creeps in.
A Final Thought
The idea of belonging to a club dedicated to letting go, doing less and giving yourself permission to be your imperfect but authentic self is relatable and liberating. What a breath of fresh air in a world that demands too much! But beyond the humor, there is so much wisdom here. When you stop people-pleasing and start setting boundaries, you make room for the life you actually want and deserve.
