How Attachment Styles Can Impact your Relationships

Attachment styles are blueprints for how people connect with others, especially in close relationships. It’s shaped early in life by the bond you had (or didn’t have) with your caregivers, and it influences how you respond to closeness, conflict, and emotional needs as an adult.

The idea comes from psychiatrist John Bowlby, who found that separation from caregivers is deeply distressing to children. Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), expanded on this by showing that the need for emotional connection doesn’t stop in childhood. In fact, it’s wired into us for life.

If you notice patterns in your attachment style that cause stress in your relationships, therapy can help you shift those patterns.

Types of Attachment Style

There are four main types of attachment style. One is secure. The other three; anxious, avoidant, and disorganized are considered insecure.

Let’s break them down.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment begins when a child’s needs are consistently met by a reliable, emotionally available caregiver. If they’re hungry, someone feeds them. If they cry, someone soothes them. Over time, they learn that people can be trusted and that their needs matter.

As adults, people with secure attachment tend to feel steady in relationships. They’re comfortable with emotional closeness, resilient during tough conversations, and don’t panic if someone doesn’t respond right away, because they trust that the connection is still there.

Insecure Attachment

When a child’s emotional or physical needs aren’t consistently met — due to absence, illness, addiction, trauma, or even the daily stress of overwork — they may develop an insecure attachment style.

There are three types of insecure attachment: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style crave closeness and reassurance. They might come across as clingy, jealous, or overly reactive. Underneath, there’s a deep fear of abandonment. They often go to great lengths to keep connection intact, even when the relationship is unhealthy.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant types often struggle with vulnerability. They prefer independence, suppress their emotions, and may throw themselves into work or distraction. They’re uncomfortable depending on others and rarely ask for help, even when they need it most.

(If this sounds familiar, you might want to learn more about therapy for avoidant attachment, which can help you move toward healthier ways of connecting.)

Disorganized Attachment

Also called “fearful-avoidant,” this style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant patterns. It’s often rooted in trauma or unpredictable caregiving in childhood.

Adults with disorganized attachment desperately want closeness but also fear it. They may get close quickly in a relationship, then pull away just as fast. The fear of being hurt makes it hard to stay emotionally connected, even when they long for that very thing.

Attachment Styles and Compatibility

Your attachment style plays a huge role in how you show up in relationships — and in how compatible you are with a partner.

• The most stable dynamic tends to happen when both partners have secure attachment. These couples navigate conflict well, regulate emotions effectively, and feel comfortable being emotionally open.

• A common pairing is an anxious partner with an avoidant partner. These couples often find themselves in the classic pursuer/withdrawer cycle: one protests disconnection by actively continuing to engage, while the other shuts down to avoid overwhelm and protect the relationship from further discord. They can make it work, but it’s painful without support.

• Two avoidant partners may never fully connect.

• Two anxious partners can unintentionally fuel each other’s insecurities.

• Disorganized partners often gravitate toward anxious ones at first, but when the relationship deepens, fear of closeness can trigger distance and conflict.

Understanding how these patterns play out is a key focus in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

Can Your Attachment Style Change?

Yes, but it takes awareness, effort, and often, supportive relationships.

Attachment patterns are relatively stable, but they’re not fixed. Being in a relationship with a partner with a more secure attachment style than you can lead to a series of corrective emotional experiences, helping you heal the wounded parts of yourself and form a new template for connection.

Your style may also shift depending on the person you’re with or the context. Even avoidant types may have one person they feel safe with. Even secure people can feel temporarily insecure if their needs go unmet for too long.

How Therapy Can Help with Attachment Style

The best starting point is understanding your own style and where it came from. Who showed up for you in childhood? Who didn’t? How did you learn to ask for (or avoid) emotional connection?

But awareness alone isn’t enough. To truly change your patterns, you need new experiences of connection. That’s where therapy comes in.

Through attachment-based therapy approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (for couples) and Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (for individuals), you can:

• Recognize and interrupt painful relational cycles.

• Learn to regulate emotions and express needs more openly.

• Practice building secure, healthy bonds with yourself and others.

If you’re ready to move beyond old patterns, schedule a consultation to start working on your attachment style in therapy.