Achieving Closure: The Real Key to Moving On
Most of us have had difficult experiences in our lives that left us with a lot of unanswered questions. It might have been a breakup, an estrangement, perhaps a criminal act or another traumatic event. If you have been wronged, sometimes what you want most of all is a heartfelt apology.
Why Closure Feels So Important
You may find yourself longing to contact a specific person who you think can answer your questions, provide an apology, and give you the closure you long for. Not having closure can feel like torture.
So is closure really as simple as getting answers to questions? In many cases, no. Closure is not just about getting information or an apology. In fact, explanations and apologies can often end up feeling strangely dissatisfying or lead you down a rabbit hole of obsession and rumination. Apologies can cause further harm if they are not handled right, and answered questions can sometimes just lead to more and more questions.
What Closure Really Is (And Isn’t)
It’s easy to believe that closure comes from a conversation: a long-awaited apology, an honest explanation, or a final confrontation. While these things might provide temporary relief, they don’t always bring peace. In fact, they can deepen our obsession or open up new wounds.
Closure is not about what someone else says or does.
Rather, closure is an emotional shift that lets us know we can draw a line under an experience and finally move on. Those who have felt closure usually describe it as a freeing experience, like a burden has been lifted and replaced with a feeling of relief. The unburdening can bring about healing and growth.
The Problem with Waiting for Closure from Someone Else
The problem with viewing closure as a set of answers or an apology is that it relies entirely upon the actions of another. The trouble with viewing closure as something another person must give you is that it puts your healing in their hands. If they’re unavailable, unrepentant, or unwilling to engage, you’re left in limbo. Your emotional wellbeing becomes dependent on their actions, or inactions.
That’s not where your power lies.
Closure is a Gift You Can Give Yourself
Here’s the good news: you don’t need someone else to help you close the door on the past. Closure comes from within. It’s a deeply personal process of acceptance, of letting go of your need for an external response, and deciding that your peace is more important than unresolved questions.
You don’t have to condone what happened. You don’t have to forget. And you certainly don’t have to keep letting it hurt you.
Rethinking Forgiveness as a Path to Closure
Forgiveness often gets tangled up with closure. But just like closure, it doesn’t have to depend on the other person. Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying what happened was okay. It simply means you’re ready to stop carrying the weight of pain, anger, or resentment.
Think of it this way: If someone handed you a heavy backpack full of rocks and asked you to carry it forever, would you agree? Of course not. Forgiveness is setting down that emotional burden; not for their sake, but for yours.
Tools for Finding Closure on Your Own
You can begin to heal without any input from the other person. Research shows that journaling your thoughts, feelings, and reflections can be a powerful tool for processing what happened. When paired with therapy, expressive writing can help you make meaning of your experience and move forward.
A therapist can support your closure journey by helping you process unresolved emotions, challenge harmful thought patterns, and integrate the experience into your life story in a way that leads to growth, not stagnation.
You Deserve to Be Free
You don’t have to wait for someone else to make things right. You can take off the metaphorical backpack, stop carrying what doesn’t serve you, and start moving toward peace and healing, starting today.
